The only reason that I have so many updates is because I save after every single phrase of code
This thing here will be music-related, but for the time being, let me tell you about my experience from a couple of minutes ago where I was dealing with the Catbox API through curl. Thing is, it feels awkward having that icon link button in the cbox chatbox, because the file I'm using is a computer-uploaded one, making the link redundant. Easy — got it removed from my user control, but I thought I'd remove it from the hosting site as well, since I don't need it. But here's the thing: that was prior to making an account (i.e. generating a hash), so I have no permission to control its existence. I'll just have to live with it. Long story short, web idiot challenges API through sheer determination and fails (I am not more powerful than computer security yet).
I'll admit that on a few sleepless nights, I dared use the neocities editor on mobile to make quick additions to my site. The simplicity of these edits decreases each time, and have become a full-fledged web-development second life. go to sleep dumbass.
You have found the old iframe that was once a string of screaming. It is now my site-related thought-dump.
reluctance. my memory isn't good enough to dump all that i've wanted to dump on this site. it may come eventually. that would be better. gradual.
The Tor issue was interesting. I didn't really do anything to solve it, it just solved itself, so it must be user-side. I reviewed the settings of the guestbook, but still made a new one that should act differently in terms of blocking and filtering.
will take a break now from activity. thank you for supporting this site.
Ah fuck I ate too many chocolate-covered almonds. Anyway, I have the necessary pages designed but not yet coded.
confusion will be my epitaph.
Z-library is down. I've always used Lib-gen, so I'm good. Z-library does have an .onion alternative.
Looks like Neocities will forever do the opposite of what I want when it comes to caching. Be consistent.
Nov 17 // I was looking through kaa's "appreciated" page, which I love, and noticed a lot of Bukowski. Bukowski is one of those artists towards whom I have particular feelings. I might write about this in detail, but for now, I want to share this quote that resonates deeply with me, and hopefully will to anyone who creates:
"Somebody asked me: "What do you do? How do you write, create?" You don't, I told them. You don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it. Or if you like its looks, you make a pet out of it." - Charles Bukowski
Nov 22 // I love Janis Joplin.
Nov 29 // I've had the same King Crimson and Gentle Giant songs stuck in my brain for fucking days. Also, I hate linear algebra (so far). The next two weeks are going to be busy. I'll have to study pretty hard. The only exciting things are "Chainsaw Man Tuesday" and my stupid blog. I have been composing music. Despite the time to improvise, I have no time to record, so I will have to wait until exams are over. Also, its' my birthday this Saturday. I don't care this much this year, but I felt like saying that. I don't want to waste the coming year. Or maybe I want to. I've considered multiple times to treat this year as a filler to gain experience before starting anew elsewhere. It's a strange period of life that I'm in, age-wise. It won't be my last; that's for sure. What do people my age like to do anyway? I hate to live the life that they live, but I certainly wish I had the same opportunities for "better." It's not so bad, however. Not having such choices opened doors, or rather pushed me, to other ones. I can see it happening another way, but I can't do anything about what's happened, but I can try and control what will come next. I'm just grateful and looking for the next step, whenever I'm not miserably sulking. Damn, this one got personal.
Dec 04 // My back hurts again, but this time worse. It's stiff.
8k on my main site, huh. Gee, thank you. I kind of want to say, "Stop opening my site!" but I still appreciate it. I just find the speed a bit intimidating because I am taking my sweet time on this project. You may be wondering why I suddenly transferred this thought dump here. You see, I wanted to put use to this page. I threw in a blog and pasted it here. It's supposed to be secretive until it's ready, but a number of views popped up quickly, to my dismay. Well, my bad for linking it in the updates, to begin with.
Dec 08 //
I am delaying my goals/"dreams" once more. I hope it's worth it. I'll take this as an opportunity to better my skills in the meantime and to pursue solo work. Maybe I would've gotten sick of the new environment quickly. I'll use this time for good. I could be doing whatever, as much as I wish to. What's the issue? There's no actual loss of time. I'm not missing out on anything. In fact, I'd be early. It won't make a difference to the universe, the year in which I show who I am to the world. Cool.
There's no age limit to being happy with your life. No years were wasted, I tell myself. I am simply doing what I should do, as always. This stage of life isn't any different. I will be alone for two more years, but I can still work my around that. The sickness of feeling trapped will remain, at least for the next year. The change I was waiting for might get delayed once more. Chances are low again.
Life is a unique and diverse experience. I don't know where I'll be. I can imagine what could've been different. I tried my best to develop multiple skills as a teenager, but I put too many expectations upon myself. I didn't go as far as I wanted to, but the progress did pay off, for what it's worth. There was no real need to squeeze all that learning in those years, because I'm still learning, and will always be "still learning." That is just how life is. All that talk aside, it's time to get to it. I feel motivated, but this is poor timing. I need to focus on the upcoming exams, and not my musical and artistic ambitions like an idiot. It will take years until I can ever do some "bigger" things, but all I can do for now is to enjoy my years. This is for me, after all, and no one else. Really, what's stopping me from dropping everything and recording a song right now? Technically nothing, but ethically, it's my work. Haha. Onto that.
I can't believe I've turned this into a diary after all.
My back is killing me.
I added a crude mouse doodle to my stupid blog.
The other day, while digitally sketching an idea that I had, I painted the paper texture, and I'm pretty proud of it.
My hands are freezing.
A few days ago (was it?), I thought that I am "officially okay now," but the smallest things push me back. I don't know the cause anymore. It's likely sleep or diet, and my own tendencies with how I deal with things in my head.
What am I so depressed for? Why do I keep denying that I am depressed? Over the months, it changed from one constant block of depression to a sinusoidal wave that consistently lifts me up then smacks me right down.
Dec 10 //
I do wish to delete some of the last two entries, but documenting them would be honest, despite the vulnerability. Anyway, I did not sleep last night. I went about with my day until I was told to sleep and weren't given a choice, and so I did. I figured out that my phone is not good for recording at all. I need a proper mic to record music. I decided to try out the microphone on my headset and see how that goes (I will have to make time for that). It doesn't have to be maximum quality, as long as it isn't my filtered speech-focused stock recording app. I deduced from lots of usage what my phone picks and doesn't pick up, and it's not ideal for music at all.
Dec 12 // Well...
C/C++ exam tomorrow. I'm tired of the language.
I still hate linear algebra, but more.
It's a shame. I love math.
Dec 13 // had a strange moment (too long for "moment" but i don't know what it is) in my head and it was really weird how much goes on in there when it's unoccupied but it was very unpleasant and after the turmoil i sent somebody who has not talked to me for a months a "hey" at 2:27 am and it went expectedly unseen so i deleted it this morning because it's not like i actually want them to help and it's not like there's anything seriously wrong as long as it isn't the night hours
i don't really care. i improvised a pretty cool riff today. after that, i was stringing together two past recordings in my head because, being in the same scale, they'd join pretty smoothly into a song. i reached a part in the arrangement where i carefully thought of not using a guitar, and instead a piano, with hi-hats rattling into the kick, with that being a pause, so that the coming short silence builds up the tension resolved by another chord and a snare or a crash, followed by a specific pattern until the next kick. now, why am i saying all this? that's because i thought of that while sweeping water into the bathroom drain because i didn't want to get my socks wet, and when i realized what i was doing, i thought, "so this is my future."
all these brooms and none of them is the one i'm talking about
Dec 17 1:45 pm // Wow those physical aches did not lie! They hurt! It's my fault for sitting like a shrimp. Anyway, I was pretty happy when I got a drawing tablet, but the screen did not work (tried every solution on the planet) and we are returning it for a fix. The reason why I'm telling this is to explain why the site pages are not filled with stupid doodles like I promised. I so do desire to draw. I did, with a mouse. That's how I did the text animation and that face, in TuxPaint on top of that. It was supposed by rougher than that, but I always get carried away by small details when I draw. Look at this one hell of a paragraph:
Dec 18 2:19 pm // I slept at 7 pm last night, waking up at 9:45 am. I don't remember what I did immediately after waking up, besides silently existing, and definitely before checking the time. By 11, I was watching The Fall of Troy's concert livestream. I only saw the second half. It was pretty cool. I remember: I played guitar before that, for a short while. Or maybe it was after. Whichever it was - after some more insignificant things, I began playing Disco Elysium. It's fun so far, and I know I'm going to love it. The world needs more detective games. This is the longest winter holiday I've ever gotten. I still have one assignment left, even if exams are over. I'll get to it today. Since my sleep is (I suppose) getting back on track, the brain chemistry fuckery of the past year or two should be undone. These are hopes too high, but whatever. I was like an old man this morning, with all the brain freezes.
Dec 24 // 10k? I don't know what to say. I should probably start working on the "meat" of the site like I promised.
dec 25 // "merry christmas you filthy animal DUDUDUDUUDUDUD"weird
i used to tell a friend, every once in a while, "x days of no [name] screamo album", in reference to how i want to make one but still haven't. i can't scream like that yet. i mean, i can try, but i will damage my cords obviously. honestly, the pain will add value to the craft because that would be authentic to the feelings motivating such a work. so the real problem isn't the screaming, but the time and place. i need somewhere to scream freely in. no even for the album, but in general.
once i'm done with the task i have at hand, i will go apeshit on my guitar. i will come up with something eventually.
Dec 27 4:13 am // I wrote a long, long post on Schlaugh. It took the whole day, technically. I'm exhausted. I woke up awfully late. I finally made progress on linear algebra because I decided to try this time.
My head feels weird. I feel a bit gross again. My hands are freezing and they feel suddenly weak.
Dec 28 10:06 pm // I seem to be writing here often. Wack. Anyway, I was right: talking to friends and having a good time help greatly. I've been doing good.
Jan 4 // The thumbnails of my main site are stuck unchanging again. I'll give it some time, I guess.
Jan 5 // dump dump dump dump dump dump it all. I don't know what "it" is but I know that there's something I need to throw away.
I am reapplying to college. Let's assume I get accepted. I don't even know if I want to do it, starting over. I was yearning for the traditional experience and the advantages of what I am undertaking, but is it worth it? The path I am currently going down at isn't bad. Sure, it's caused some pain, but I will probably endure and handle it. If I stay, I'd graduate as I'm turning 20. It's absurd, but I guess I get to have some time off for myself. If I do change unis, graduation would be at 22. It's quite the gap. There's are reasons why, but none concern you besides "the studies having different durations."
It isn't entirely a loss. It isn't a loss. That's not my concern. I was just pointing it out. I have my whole life ahead of me. A few years are "nothing." I am too early anyway.
When I woke up in the non-morning I composed in my head a piano piece. To make sure I've got it down, I did it a second time. It's not that complex. I just need to sit and play to bring it to life. The reason why it was thought up quickly was specifically because I chose one simple frame and didn't traverse outside of it, that is, a style that I'm not even into.
I should play the piano. Maybe the only way to wake up early is to not sleep and move on as the morning comes. What's keeping me up every day is a task, yet I'm not even doing THE TASK in the hours that I am not sleeping. It's a loop. A shitty one.
I am waiting for something like an idiot. I am so tired of waiting. I can step in and make a move, which I am against for reasons, or I could move on.
Besides the devastating sleepiness I am okay. I'm doing fine and okay and I'm alright. Not bad. I wonder how long it will take before I say "kill me" again, only to be unheard.
Fuck it. I should just take psychology. How come so many terms are derived from German? If I were speaking my thoughts aloud rather than through text, essentially skipping the focus it takes to type correctly, I would be talking weirdly. I would probably be stuttering out repeated words for no reason, and combining terms into each other and overall saying shit. Is it time to sleep yet? Oh, definitely. I want to curse. I want to curse out loud but I can't because I don't want to use my voice or my mouth.
Jan 13 // Aye wassup nobody I will be dumping a few thoughts.
It is currently Jan 13, 03:20. Weird times we're in. I feel jelly-like. Wobbly? Not sure. I feel like the letter W.
I've been enjoying friends' digital company. I worry that I am tiring, because I'm much more comfortable than usual, so I begin repeating the same mistake from my failed socialization attempts back in school. On a positive note, I'm hilarious and I'm having fun. I'm tired. I feel exhausted these days.
I think my sleep schedule is going to get better soon.
I heard that there is a meteor or asteroid or some other falling celestial body that will leave a trail of clouds that will be visible from a few days until Feb 1. The stars are beautiful. It's a shame that I haven't seen them in months. I also got to see the sun properly, and not by staying up till morning.
My mood is, well, my mood. Not much to say there. I've been listening to a lot of music as usual, and I gave composing a tiny little go because I've been getting inspired. I'm disappointed at my skill.
Jan 18 // Hello. It's January 18th, 1 am. I could fake my death at any moment and abandon it all. I won't though, haha. Last night, I had a really long daydream where I was writing a suicide page, very long and rambly, explaining the events of my life so far, my feelings, and my wishes, and posting it under my site. It was wild, because I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm pretty happy, actually.
I've been writing poetry these days, but I don't like what I wrote.
Jan 20, 2 am // I mixed up Slavoj Žižek and Ted Kaczynski while talking to someone. They're not even that similar. I knew the right guy in context yet still had my doubts.
Jan 28 05:11 my head hurts very much
Happy one month since last entry. good riddance! it's feb 28 03:00. Life is good. I'm very happy. I still easily feel like shit but it never lasts too long. Things will turn out well in the end.