Jan 4 // The thumbnails of my main site are stuck unchanging again. I'll give it some time, I guess.

Jan 5 // dump dump dump dump dump dump it all. I don't know what "it" is but I know that there's something I need to throw away.
I am reapplying to college. Let's assume I get accepted. I don't even know if I want to do it, starting over. I was yearning for the traditional experience and the advantages of what I am undertaking, but is it worth it? The path I am currently going down at isn't bad. Sure, it's caused some pain, but I will probably endure and handle it. If I stay, I'd graduate as I'm turning 20. It's absurd, but I guess I get to have some time off for myself. If I do change unis, graduation would be at 22. It's quite the gap. There's are reasons why, but none concern you besides "the studies having different durations."
It isn't entirely a loss. It isn't a loss. That's not my concern. I was just pointing it out. I have my whole life ahead of me. A few years are "nothing." I am too early anyway.

When I woke up in the non-morning I composed in my head a piano piece. To make sure I've got it down, I did it a second time. It's not that complex. I just need to sit and play to bring it to life. The reason why it was thought up quickly was specifically because I chose one simple frame and didn't traverse outside of it, that is, a style that I'm not even into.

I should play the piano. Maybe the only way to wake up early is to not sleep and move on as the morning comes. What's keeping me up every day is a task, yet I'm not even doing THE TASK in the hours that I am not sleeping. It's a loop. A shitty one.

I am waiting for something like an idiot. I am so tired of waiting. I can step in and make a move, which I am against for reasons, or I could move on.

Besides the devastating sleepiness I am okay. I'm doing fine and okay and I'm alright. Not bad. I wonder how long it will take before I say "kill me" again, only to be unheard.

Fuck it. I should just take psychology. How come so many terms are derived from German? If I were speaking my thoughts aloud rather than through text, essentially skipping the focus it takes to type correctly, I would be talking weirdly. I would probably be stuttering out repeated words for no reason, and combining terms into each other and overall saying shit. Is it time to sleep yet? Oh, definitely. I want to curse. I want to curse out loud but I can't because I don't want to use my voice or my mouth.

Jan 13 // Aye wassup nobody I will be dumping a few thoughts.

It is currently Jan 13, 03:20. Weird times we're in. I feel jelly-like. Wobbly? Not sure. I feel like the letter W.

I've been enjoying friends' digital company. I worry that I am tiring, because I'm much more comfortable than usual, so I begin repeating the same mistake from my failed socialization attempts back in school. On a positive note, I'm hilarious and I'm having fun. I'm tired. I feel exhausted these days.

I think my sleep schedule is going to get better soon.

I heard that there is a meteor or asteroid or some other falling celestial body that will leave a trail of clouds that will be visible from a few days until Feb 1. The stars are beautiful. It's a shame that I haven't seen them in months. I also got to see the sun properly, and not by staying up till morning.

My mood is, well, my mood. Not much to say there. I've been listening to a lot of music as usual, and I gave composing a tiny little go because I've been getting inspired. I'm disappointed at my skill.

Jan 18 // Hello. It's January 18th, 1 am. I could fake my death at any moment and abandon it all. I won't though, haha. Last night, I had a really long daydream where I was writing a suicide page, very long and rambly, explaining the events of my life so far, my feelings, and my wishes, and posting it under my site. It was wild, because I'm not suicidal anymore. I'm pretty happy, actually.

I've been writing poetry these days, but I don't like what I wrote.

Jan 20, 2 am // I mixed up Slavoj Žižek and Ted Kaczynski while talking to someone. They're not even that similar. I knew the right guy in context yet still had my doubts.

Jan 28 05:11 my head hurts very much

Happy one month since last entry. good riddance! it's feb 28 03:00. Life is good. I'm very happy. I still easily feel like shit but it never lasts too long. Things will turn out well in the end.

Mar 29 12:45 am

Hey. A lot has happened.