The thought dump of teethinvitro

The only reason that I have so many updates is because I save after every single phrase of code

This thing here will be music-related, but for the time being, let me tell you about my experience from a couple of minutes ago where I was dealing with the Catbox API through curl. Thing is, it feels awkward having that icon link button in the cbox chatbox, because the file I'm using is a computer-uploaded one, making the link redundant. Easy — got it removed from my user control, but I thought I'd remove it from the hosting site as well, since I don't need it. But here's the thing: that was prior to making an account (i.e. generating a hash), so I have no permission to control its existence. I'll just have to live with it. Long story short, web idiot challenges API through sheer determination and fails (I am not more powerful than computer security yet).

I'll admit that on a few sleepless nights, I dared use the neocities editor on mobile to make quick additions to my site. The simplicity of these edits decreases each time, and have become a full-fledged web-development second life. go to sleep dumbass.

You have found the old iframe that was once a string of screaming. It is now my site-related thought-dump.

reluctance. my memory isn't good enough to dump all that i've wanted to dump on this site. it may come eventually. that would be better. gradual.

The Tor issue was interesting. I didn't really do anything to solve it, it just solved itself, so it must be user-side. I reviewed the settings of the guestbook, but still made a new one that should act differently in terms of blocking and filtering.

Ah fuck I ate too many chocolate-covered almonds. Anyway, I have the necessary pages designed but not yet coded.

Z-library is down. I've always used Lib-gen, so I'm good. Z-library does have an .onion alternative.

Looks like Neocities will forever do the opposite of what I want when it comes to caching. Be consistent.

Nov 17 // I was looking through kaa's "appreciated" page, which I love, and noticed a lot of Bukowski. Bukowski is one of those artists towards whom I have particular feelings. I might write about this in detail, but for now, I want to share this quote that resonates deeply with me, and hopefully will to anyone who creates:

"Somebody asked me: "What do you do? How do you write, create?" You don't, I told them. You don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it. Or if you like its looks, you make a pet out of it." - Charles Bukowski

Nov 29 // I've had the same King Crimson and Gentle Giant songs stuck in my brain for fucking days. Also, I hate linear algebra (so far). The next two weeks are going to be busy. I'll have to study pretty hard. The only exciting things are "Chainsaw Man Tuesday" and my stupid blog. I have been composing music. Despite the time to improvise, I have no time to record, so I will have to wait until exams are over. Also, its' my birthday this Saturday. I don't care this much this year, but I felt like saying that. I don't want to waste the coming year. Or maybe I want to. I've considered multiple times to treat this year as a filler to gain experience before starting anew elsewhere. It's a strange period of life that I'm in, age-wise. It won't be my last; that's for sure. What do people my age like to do anyway? I hate to live the life that they live, but I certainly wish I had the same opportunities for "better." It's not so bad, however. Not having such choices opened doors, or rather pushed me, to other ones. I can see it happening another way, but I can't do anything about what's happened, but I can try and control what will come next. I'm just grateful and looking for the next step, whenever I'm not miserably sulking. Damn, this one got personal.

I recently broke the notion that what I want will happen to me. Why did I think that anyway? On what basis will what I want for myself happen easily? There is no such thing as a predetermined future, because it is impossible. If you believe in God, however, I respect that. Totally. None of what I want to do matters anyway. I will die fulfilled, and then what? There is no "after". There is no result, just satisfaction. I feel cheated. I can spend my remaining years learning, but unless I put that knowledge to use, I am but a useless mound of meat like any other living creature on Earth, no more special. I don't deem myself useless (yay, positivity), because I am as useful as art, however you interpret that. I can't guarantee my success in pursuing sciences (in research or or in making an impact), but I am sure that I will create art until my death. I wrote about this on a blog/journal, but I'll re-iterate: whether or not my art is ever seen or found is not my motive. My motive is to express ideas from deep within. Once I succeed at that, I would have fulfilled a major goal. My medium would be art, because I am not the best writer, and certainly not a good communicator, unless I express a feeling however it comes, often visually.

After that? Move on to the next goal or whatever. Ultimately, I desire a simple life. Nothing hectic.

All of this could have been said in much more detail, but I am unsure whether that or the straighforward method is a better way to write the same thing. The above was written entirely on whim, so take it with a grain of salt, because it isn't a fixed opinion but a mood-influenced one. Not all of it is, but don't worry about it.

Despite the hardships, I am grateful that I got to experience life. The chances of my (and your) birth were incredibly small, and yet I was born a fucking human being. I'm glad that I got to experience consciousness, self, senses, metabolism, sleep, and love. I am probably only saying this because I can't imagine it any other way. Being human, as you all know, isn't all sunshine and roses all the time, but I don't think it's that horribly ugly. I've said it before and I'll say it again: our only real purpose is to serve the carbon cycle. Therefore, whatever you do doesn't matter, so go have fun, bud.

I get to have thought and opinion. Heck, there are loads of things that people around me will never know about me. That much, there is. Not being able to express that much is why I feel so lonely and separated from those around me, besides the fact that I am stuck at home. I've been telling myself this for over a year now: I desperately need a change of surroundings. My life would be so much better. I had a chance but I lost it. I wasn't even in control of that. I have to watch my life get thrown around between chances, and I don't have a say outside of what is achievable, because God forbid I take an uncertain chance or try and carve out my path myself. Whoops, I'm already trying that.

There have been more changes in my mind than in my actual life. I wish to change that. I'm sick of feeling trapped. This was a vulnerable write, so I'll remove it soon. If you're reading this, congratulations, you got a glimpse into a fragment of a loser's troubles, and one of the smallest of them. Relatively, the bigger ones are what I have to do right here, right how, which will have the biggest and most direct effects on my life.

8k on my main site, huh. Gee, thank you. I kind of want to say, "Stop opening my site!" but I still appreciate it. I just find the speed a bit intimidating because I am taking my sweet time on this project. You may be wondering why I suddenly transferred this thought dump here. You see, I wanted to put use to this page. I threw in a blog and pasted it here. It's supposed to be secretive until it's ready, but a number of views popped up quickly, to my dismay. Well, my bad for linking it in the updates, to begin with.

I am delaying my goals/"dreams" once more. I hope it's worth it. I'll take this as an opportunity to better my skills in the meantime and to pursue solo work. Maybe I would've gotten sick of the new environment quickly. I'll use this time for good. I could be doing whatever, as much as I wish to. What's the issue? There's no actual loss of time. I'm not missing out on anything. In fact, I'd be early. It won't make a difference to the universe, the year in which I show who I am to the world. Cool.

There's no age limit to being happy with your life. No years were wasted, I tell myself. I am simply doing what I should do, as always. This stage of life isn't any different. I will be alone for two more years, but I can still work my around that. The sickness of feeling trapped will remain, at least for the next year. The change I was waiting for might get delayed once more. Chances are low again.

Life is a unique and diverse experience. I don't know where I'll be. I can imagine what could've been different. I tried my best to develop multiple skills as a teenager, but I put too many expectations upon myself. I didn't go as far as I wanted to, but the progress did pay off, for what it's worth. There was no real need to squeeze all that learning in those years, because I'm still learning, and will always be "still learning." That is just how life is. All that talk aside, it's time to get to it. I feel motivated, but this is poor timing. I need to focus on the upcoming exams, and not my musical and artistic ambitions like an idiot. It will take years until I can ever do some "bigger" things, but all I can do for now is to enjoy my years. This is for me, after all, and no one else. Really, what's stopping me from dropping everything and recording a song right now? Technically nothing, but ethically, it's my work. Haha. Onto that.

Just because I decided not to apply to art/music school, doesn't mean I won't try and build a portfolio in the coming vacation. I've layed out a myriad of ideas, and I want to create them. I find pleasure in making. It's that simple. Just because I don't get to join a band, doens't mean I'll suddenly stop composing and producing music. I still have a lot of un-recorded concepts waiting. It will be fun, maybe frustrating sometimes. I will be alone for the next two years for sure. Not making friends or talking to people will cause my social skills to rust and maybe my social anxiety to go cold again, but technology is a thing and my existing friends have not disappeared. One of them has, though. I don't know what's up with that person, but I don't care anymore. I don't particularly enjoy texting. I feel less nervous doing it, sure, but I very much prefer talking to loved ones face-to-face, and vice versa for people I am not as comfortable with. My remaining college years are going to suck, unless the next semester proves otherwise. If I am still stuck here by the time I have to get my Master's degree, then I'll lose motivation completely. I'll have the option to puruse something else, but pursuing it here, of all places? That will be detrimental.

The reason why I was so focused on the "want to do" over the "have to do" is because the thought of death occupies my mind all the time.

What am I even whining about? I'd be spending my days the same way regardless of where I am. I'd be studying, listening to music, staying up and regretting it, wishing that I'd get a holiday as soon as possible, then repeat until I graduate. Holidays? That's just more hours to rot in bed with the earphones in. Either way, I learned useful things, and I'd love to put them to use for personal projects. Maybe, just maybe, if I start a new video game project, it won't go scrapped this time. It won't be anything special, but it's good practice.

The other day, while digitally sketching an idea that I had, I painted the paper texture, and I'm pretty proud of it.

A few days ago (was it?), I thought that I am "officially okay now," but the smallest things push me back. I don't know the cause anymore. It's likely sleep or diet, and my own tendencies with how I deal with things in my head.

What am I so depressed for? Why do I keep denying that I am depressed? Over the months, it changed from one constant block of depression to a sinusoidal wave that consistently lifts me up then smacks me right down.

I do wish to delete some of the last two entries, but documenting them would be honest, despite the vulnerability. Anyway, I did not sleep last night. I went about with my day until I was told to sleep and weren't given a choice, and so I did. I figured out that my phone is not good for recording at all. I need a proper mic to record music. I decided to try out the microphone on my headset and see how that goes (I will have to make time for that). It doesn't have to be maximum quality, as long as it isn't my filtered speech-focused stock recording app. I deduced from lots of usage what my phone picks and doesn't pick up, and it's not ideal for music at all.

Dec 13 // had a strange moment (too long for "moment" but i don't know what it is) in my head and it was really weird how much goes on in there when it's unoccupied but it was very unpleasant and after the turmoil i sent somebody who has not talked to me for a months a "hey" at 2:27 am and it went expectedly unseen so i deleted it this morning because it's not like i actually want them to help and it's not like there's anything seriously wrong as long as it isn't the night hours

i don't really care. i improvised a pretty cool riff today. after that, i was stringing together two past recordings in my head because, being in the same scale, they'd join pretty smoothly into a song. i reached a part in the arrangement where i carefully thought of not using a guitar, and instead a piano, with hi-hats rattling into the kick, with that being a pause, so that the coming short silence builds up the tension resolved by another chord and a snare or a crash, followed by a specific pattern until the next kick. now, why am i saying all this? that's because i thought of that while sweeping water into the bathroom drain because i didn't want to get my socks wet, and when i realized what i was doing, i thought, "so this is my future."

Dec 17 1:45 pm // Wow those physical aches did not lie! They hurt! It's my fault for sitting like a shrimp. Anyway, I was pretty happy when I got a drawing tablet, but the screen did not work (tried every solution on the planet) and we are returning it for a fix. The reason why I'm telling this is to explain why the site pages are not filled with stupid doodles like I promised. I so do desire to draw. I did, with a mouse. That's how I did the text animation and that face, in TuxPaint on top of that. It was supposed by rougher than that, but I always get carried away by small details when I draw. Look at this one hell of a paragraph:

Dec 18 2:19 pm // I slept at 7 pm last night, waking up at 9:45 am. I don't remember what I did immediately after waking up, besides silently existing, and definitely before checking the time. By 11, I was watching The Fall of Troy's concert livestream. I only saw the second half. It was pretty cool. I remember: I played guitar before that, for a short while. Or maybe it was after. Whichever it was - after some more insignificant things, I began playing Disco Elysium. It's fun so far, and I know I'm going to love it. The world needs more detective games. This is the longest winter holiday I've ever gotten. I still have one assignment left, even if exams are over. I'll get to it today. Since my sleep is (I suppose) getting back on track, the brain chemistry fuckery of the past year or two should be undone. These are hopes too high, but whatever. I was like an old man this morning, with all the brain freezes.

Dec 24 // 10k? I don't know what to say. I should probably start working on the "meat" of the site like I promised.

i used to tell a friend, every once in a while, "x days of no [name] screamo album", in reference to how i want to make one but still haven't. i can't scream like that yet. i mean, i can try, but i will damage my cords obviously. honestly, the pain will add value to the craft because that would be authentic to the feelings motivating such a work. so the real problem isn't the screaming, but the time and place. i need somewhere to scream freely in. no even for the album, but in general.

once i'm done with the task i have at hand, i will go apeshit on my guitar. i will come up with something eventually.

Dec 27 4:13 am // I wrote a long, long post on Schlaugh. It took the whole day, technically. I'm exhausted. I woke up awfully late. I finally made progress on linear algebra because I decided to try this time.

My head feels weird. I feel a bit gross again. My hands are freezing and they feel suddenly weak.

Dec 28 10:06 pm // I seem to be writing here often. Wack. Anyway, I was right: talking to friends and having a good time help greatly. I've been doing good.

milkshake